Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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