Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
