I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
