dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
