My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
His hands were made for my vagina.
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two words...techno handjob
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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