I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
