Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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