Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
