Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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