You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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