the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
