Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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