i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
