i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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