Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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