Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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