Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
