I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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