i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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