standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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