Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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