fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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