You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
