I can text with my tongue
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
