I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i drank out of a bidet.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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