I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
