my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
