if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
