the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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