thus making me awesome and them whores
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
