Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
