I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
