We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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