omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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