It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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