who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i drank out of a bidet.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
