1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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