I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
