i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Acid is not a monday night drug
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
