dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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