That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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