3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
