I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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