You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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