Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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