Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
