Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
