i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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