my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
