I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
