How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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