I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
