my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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