You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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