i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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