i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
