weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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