Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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