she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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