On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
