Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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