bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
