So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
